What Happened Next

Seems like I'm always apologizing to you guys for not being able to keep you updated. Sorry! As always, there's a lot going on here, and it's hard to get the time to myself.

OK, so, here's what happened next.

We left the basement. I was carrying Gretchen and I had the laser rifle the "nice" monkey left for me hidden in the waistband of my jeans. I hadn't told Derek about the rifle the previous night when I confessed - I just told him that the monkeys knew where we were. And yeah, she says she's not evil but how am I supposed to believe that?

I just didn't trust Derek with the rifle; that was the heart of it. The Amish are very anti-war, and pretty useless in a fight, you know? But he's enough of a man to insist on carrying the weapon - so I just didn't tell him about it. Every marriage has its little subterfuges, I think, little secrets held in the interest of keeping the peace. OK, so some of my secrets weren't so little, or harmless, like this blog - but we've already gone over that. I don't want to talk about it any more.

I got Gretchen buckled into her car seat, and sat in the passenger seat. Of course Derek has to drive the car. Derek started the car, and then he looked at me. "Wait," he said. "I should go back and burn it."

What? "No, no, sweetie, don't do that."

"But what if the monkeys get our supplies?"

What does he think the monkeys are going to do with a year's worth of canned peaches? I think he just likes burning stuff, personally. "We don't have anything they want," I told him. "Don't burn it. We need to get out of here. And besides, what if we need to come back here sometime? It's not safe now, but let's not burn our, uh, buildings behind us." It was enough that he burned my house - I didn't want him to burn my basement, too.

He sighed, and I knew he was going to listen to me. I relaxed back against the seat, but the laser gun was digging into my back, so I had to sit up straighter than usual, and just hope Derek wouldn't notice anything odd.

We drove toward the West Side Convention Center. I knew that Derek didn't want to go join up with Mr. Kotter (remind me to find out what his real name is! I can't keep calling him Mr. Kotter!) but what else could we do? And besides, I'd wanted to go live at the Convention Center since the first moment I saw it. We'd be safe there, and we'd have company.

So we didn't talk much on the way there. It was kind of awkward.

Then we got a flat tire. "God damn it," Derek said, and let me tell you, the Amish just don't swear. Even though it's been years since he was part of that community, old habits die hard. I can't think of a worse time to get a flat tire - well, maybe if we were fleeing from a river of molten lava or something.

Derek got out of the car and took all the luggage (and trade items - ammo, cigarettes, booze) out of the trunk so that he could get to the jack and the spare. It didn't look like much, all piled up on the side of the empty road like that, but it was all we had - besides each other, and the laser gun. God damn monkeys.

I got out of the car so that I could keep an eye out for monkeys. "Get back in the car, Clarissa," Derek told me, but then I pointed out that it would be a little easier to jack up the car if I wasn't in it, and he just sort of grunted at me and went back to the lug nuts.

We were in an industrial part of town, mostly populated by warehouses and office buildings. The nicer buildings had these big sprawls of lawn in front of them. One even had a fountian - though the water wasn't running any more.

I felt really exposed, just standing there, and wished Derek would hurry up.

"Shit," he said, and the wrench slipped off the lug nut he was working on.

I walked over to look, as if that would do any good. It didn't. "Stop blocking the sunlight, Clarissa," he said. Sorry. So I stepped back - and that's when I saw the monkeys.

There were six of them, and they saw us and broke into that weird trot they have. They're fast little bastards - you wouldn't think it to look at them but they are. They were about a block away, on the other side of the street. Holy shit.

"MONKEYS!" I screamed, and then I whipped out the laser gun. Derek started to lift his head up but I shoved him back down behind the car again. I looked at the gun - thank God I'd spent all that time holding it - I knew what the controls were.

So I aimed it at the lead monkey. It was hard because the little shit was bobbing around and but finally I just squeezed the trigger.

A car three feet away from the monkeys blew up. Shit. My aim sucked.

I tried again, faster, and missed.

The monkeys were closer. Oh God.

Then I just kept firing. I didn't even try to aim, I just pointed the gun in the general direction of the monkeys and fired.

I got two of them. They just disintegrated. The other monkeys stopped running, and gathered around their fallen comrades. I thought they looked puzzled but surely that was just my imagination. I took out another one while they were looking at the ones I'd killed. Destroyed. Whatever.

Can evil robot monkeys really be killed? You're damn right they can.

Then the monkeys figured out what was going on, and took shelter behind a car. I didn't know if the laser guns would cut through cars or not - but I sure didn't feel very safe.

And then I remembered: Gretchen was still in the car. Oh, crap - if the lasers could cut through steel, then Gretchen - no. I wouldn't let that happen.

"Stay here," I said to Derek, and then I took off. I thought maybe I could sneak around in a big circle and get behind the monkeys and kill them. 3 to 1 wasn't very good odds, but maybe if I surprised them I'd have the advantage again. I'd already taken out 3.

I was breathing hard. And as I crept from one car to the next, praying that they wouldn't see me, I realized: this was the best moment of my life. I'd killed 3 monkeys by myself, and was on my way to get the rest. I was in the zone. Everything was perfect. I'd been waiting for this moment for all my life, without even realizing it.

This is what I was born to do.


But when I crept up on the monkeys behind their barricade, they were waiting for me. All three had their laser guns pointed at me. Oh, crap. I guess my sneaking technique needs some work.

The largest monkey smiled at me - and if you have ever seen a monkey smile, you know how creepy that could be. He kept his gun aimed at me, and grunted. The other two put down their guns and walked toward me - and then I knew. They were going to take me. Take me to wherever the others had been taken and do God knows what - Shit. I started to lift my laser gun to my temple. I hated to leave Derek and Gretchen but - I would not let the monkeys take me alive.

"I'm sorry, Gretchen," I said.

Then there was a horrible screech behind me. I turned, and saw another monkey. It bared its fangs at my three monkeys, and aimed its laser gun and blew away the big one, one with the nasty smile. The other two monkeys picked up their guns and returned fire. One of their shots hit the new monkey in the arm and she shrieked in agony. Can evil robot monkeys feel pain? Apparently.

But while they were distracted by her shrieks, I took care of them. Pow, pow, no more monkeys.

I turned to the new monkey.

"Who are you?" I said.

"DAISI," she said. "Robot not evil DAISI monkey I."