Evil Robot Monkeys Aren't Enough?

Holy crap, I thought we had it bad with the evil robot monkeys. But now I'm hearing reports of zombies everywhere.

Jesus.

Jimmy Carter's Evil Robot Monkey Liberation Army hasn't yet been hit by the zombie scourge; perhaps our defensive tactics are finally paying off. They've kept us (mostly) safe from monkeys for almost a year now - hopefully they'll keep us safe from zombies.

Bummer about the rest of the world, though, you know?

Wouldn't it be cool if we could get the zombies and evil robot monkeys to fight each other? And then we could just swoop in at the end and kill off any last few survivors... I bet the monkeys could take out most of the zombies - they're pretty good with those laser rifles. But surely the zombies would get a few of them. And that's a few less evil robot monkeys that we need to kill.

So what do you say, surviving humans? Head on down to Atlanta and join the Army.

I've got gin.

Don't even pretend you're suprised

Chimpanzees in Senegal have been observed making and using wooden spears to hunt other primates.

Post-Apocalyptic Nutrition

In the comments, an anonymous reader writes,

You are weird. Peach vodka and martini, really. What happened to good old margaritas. Milking the end of the lime is normal. But _peach_? From a bottle?

I don't know what apocalypse this person's writing from, but let me tell you, the one we're in doesn't offer much variety in the food. Supplies are limited; we've been surviving on canned peaches, beef jerky, and vodka (ever since I finished off the gin). And somehow, mixing beef jerky and vodka just doesn't sound all that appealing.

I'd hoped that when we reached Georgia and Jimmy Carter's army, supplies would be better - but hell, this is the damn peachtree state. More peaches, that's all they have here. One group is working on getting some hydroponic farming going, and other groups have been scavenging the outlying areas for more canned food - but it's a good thing I like peaches.

Next time we have an apocalypse, we're totally using a different caterer. This I swear.

6 Weird Habits Meme

So I got tagged to list 6 weird habits of mine. It's hard, because I don't think of most of what I do as weird. Doesn't everyone polish their life-sized bust of Jimmy Carter before they go to sleep every night?

Then I got to thinking about the relevance of memes in our monkey-infested post-apocalyptic world. I mean, do they really offer the same kind of deep personal insight and meaning that they used to, before the monkeys came? Don't they seem a little, well, silly and narcissistic when you compare them to the true horrors that are going on in the real world every day?

So I talked to Mr. Carter about it earlier today (he told me to call him Jimmy! But I just can't. I can't.) and he said that he thought memes and personality quizzes and all that are even *more* important to the world now than they were before the monkeys came, because they offer us a way to reconnect with our lost pre-monkey heritage. By consciously keeping our most important and profound traditions alive despite adversity, we nourish our souls, and gain the strength we need for the long battle that lies before us.

Therefore, I present, Clarissa's 6 Weird Habits

1. Well, I said above that I polish my Jimmy Carter bust every night before I go to bed. I don't think that's very weird - I mean, if you don't run a cloth over it every day it gets all dusty, right? What the hell is so weird about that? It's not like I have it up on an altar and sacrifice a chicken to it every Sunday (like SOME PEOPLE).

2. I have a particular playlist on my iPod that I have to listen to when I'm cleaning my weapons. Once those tunes start, I'm good to go - but if for some reason I can't play my music, I just procrastinate and procrastinate and the weapons never get clean! (I think I'll have to do a whole post soon about music!)

3. When I'm on perimiter patrol, I have a series of things that I chant to myself. First it's "Kill the monkeys" for the first 20 minutes. The next 20 minutes is "Save the human race." Then for the rest of the time I just chant "Jimmy Carter" over and over again. I used to try to recite the names of all my friends and family and loved ones that have been killed by the monkeys, but my patrol shift is only 1.5 hours long.

4. I'm teaching myself Anglo-Saxon so that I can do my own translation of Beowulf. That's kind of weird, yeah. Stupid ablative case! But I try to spend at least half an hour a day studying.

5. When I'm mixing up a nice glass of peach juice and vodka, I have to be sure to get every last drop of peach juice out of the can. I'll stand there for like five minutes literally, just trying to get one last drop of juice out. Mmmm, peaches.

6. Ever since Topeka, I've started tying little origami flowers to the corpses before we burn them. It just makes me feel better somehow.


Now I think I'm going to go do the What Kind of Pirate Are You quiz.

We live in a time of transition . . .

We live in a time of transition, an uneasy era which is likely to endure for the rest of this century. During the period we may be tempted to abandon some of the time-honored principles and commitments which have been proven during the difficult times of past generations. We must never yield to this temptation. Our American values are not luxuries, but necessities - not the salt in our bread, but the bread itself.

Jimmy Carter, in his farewell address.

MimiRobby asked if we're "reasonably stable" now. Nothing's been stable since the monkey attacks began - but we have at least reached Atlanta and gotten in touch with Jimmy Carter's army. I haven't met Jimmy Carter yet but I know I will soon! I am so excited!

Kitten!

Cassie looks on patiently as Anklebiter bites her ankles.

I'll tell you the story of our growing family soon.

I'm back!

Hello, friends. I hope you're all well.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last checked in. Once we left the library it wasn't so easy to find an internet connection and there was just so much going on!

Tonight we're in a small town close to the Utah/Arizona border. Apparently it was a polygamist town, but it looks pretty normal. We're camped out in a big house in the center of town. I hope we can stay here for a few days. I thought living in the basement was tough, but let me tell you, that's nothing compared to taking a road trip under these conditions, with these people. We're all pretty cranky and I think it would do us all good to just stay here for a little while. Not long; we have places to be.

And if you slow down, the monkeys will get you.

The first thing we did, like always, was scout the town, and drag all the bodies to an open space and burn them. You can say what you want about polygamy, either for or against, but I'm here to tell you that polygamists die like anyone else when the monkeys come after them.

I guess we're lucky that it's so dry here. I'm really not looking forward to seeing what bodies are like in more humid climates - though probably by the time we get there, the worst of it will be over.

Ugh.

There's no vodka in this town, but we stocked up pretty well before we left Salt Lake. So it's ok. Well, it's not ok at all. But it's better than it would be without vodka.

So anyway we dealt with the bodies and then I pulled out the laptop and checked for a wireless connection. It's been days since I've been able to check my e-mail but somehow there's a connection here! Yay!

One of the first things I did after deleting all my spam - HELLO, if even the evil robot monkey apocalypse won't cut down on my spam, nothing will - was see what those geniuses at Shimmer are up to. Their Summer issue is out now, though I haven't been able to get my hands on a copy yet. And their art director, Mary Robinette Kowal, has been interviewed at suite101. Interesting stuff, though I'm disappointed that they didn't talk about how they're able to keep publishing despite the constant threat of monkeys. But, well, ok, it's actually kind of nice to read something that isn't all about death and terror.

God, so much has happened that I barely know where to start. The quick version is that we're on our way to Atlanta to join up with Jimmy Carter's army, but we're going the long way around, detouring through California, and then heading north and then east, and trying to get as many survivors to come with us as possible. Our first stop was the basement for Derek and Gretchen and Madeline, and then we went over to the Convention Center but only three people joined us there. We picked up another three people on the way to Arizona.

Mostly, though, we don't find survivors. But I don't want to talk about that any more.

The best part is having Gretchen back. She's walking pretty well now, and she's just so damn cute when she says "Bad mokee!" That's how she says "monkey."

I'll try to tell you more tomorrow.